Diary of a Transient

for those of you who aren't on Facebook or Deviantart....

2008-09-20T22:58:47Z

Photography by Teresa Christiansen
You can find a clearer version of this photo and more work by Teresa at www.stillawake.deviantart.com

Soreal

2008-08-29T08:32:00Z

People are not bothered by events, but by their interpretations of those events. When we encounter difficulties, become anxious or troubled, let us not blame others, but rather ourselves, that is: our interpretations about things.

-Epictetus, about 60 AD

Paradise Found

2008-07-23T09:21:51Z

I freaking LOVE MY LIFE!!!!

During the winter, I tend to forget how much I absolutely love swimming outdoors. Lakes, oceans, rivers....yes, please. Being submersed in natural water makes me so happy. Especially the ocean. That water is so magical. So old, yet fresh.

It amazes me to think that I'm swimming in water that could've very well washed up on the shores of the Mediterranean/Europe/Caribbean. It's all connected and It really just puts everything into perspective for me. As soon as I even think about going to the beach, I am immediately happy. When I finally get to submerge myself in the vast depths of the ocean, I'm completely blissed-out. All my problems/worries seem to float away with the tide.

I've recently fallen in love with night-swimming. The privacy and quiet are like nothing else I've ever experienced. When I'm underwater, I can actually hear the little pebbles on the shore moving with the waves as they crash on the beach. Swimming by the light of the moon and the phosphorescence is so beautiful. I went the other day with a friend of mine and, because it was after 2am, the moon was setting into the water as we swam.

Sigh. I love where I live. It's absolute paradise.

RANT

2008-02-14T07:40:07Z

So I went to this punk show tonight, which is kind of a big deal because I haven't been to a show or moshed in probably close to a year. It was really awesome because I got to hang out with Lindsay and Brett and hear the awesome music and breathe in other peoples carbon dioxide and sweat molecules. LOVELOVELOVE.

BUT

I REALLY WANTED TO MOSH AND ALL THOSE 17 YEAR OLD CRAZY-ASS, SEXUALLY DEPRIVED TEENAGERS WERE FUCKING THROWING PUNCHES, MAN! Now I'm no wimp, and I can handle a few fists to the ribs, but they were totally OUT FOR BLOOD!!! One kid was even trapping people's heads in his hoodie! WTF?>???!!!! I WANTED TO MOSH, NOT GET A FIST TO THE FACE, FUCKERS!!!! and, luckily, I didn't....but i feel jipped. I feel like I have blue balls or someshit. There's all this leftover adrenaline in my body and it needs to escape!

SO, next time you're in a moshpit and some kids are fucking shit up for the rest o' yas, dig up the balls that i obviously didn't have and KNOCK THE FUCKERS OUT. Mosh pits are not an excuse to punch someone in the face! They are for moving to the music and releasing aggression in a HEALTHY way. Pushing, OK. Jumping, PLEASE! I can even handle low elbows and fists, but when they're at eye level? COME ON. That's just mean.

ARGH! I'm gonna go listen to some hardcore and scream for a while.

just

2007-12-23T08:20:26Z

Walking to my own beat tonight,
boots undone, hitting the cold, wet concrete of this quiet, small place.
wondering about my intentions
wondering what the fuck i'm actually doing
wondering if this is all just a game...? or more than that?...
we've been doing this back and forth thing for 6 months now and I'm ready to finally
get to the point.
because I see you watching me watching you watching me.
I feel my heart race when our bodies touch.
I see you grin when I'm being cheeky.
should I have closed the door all the way tonight and looked into your eyes?
would you have pulled away as I inched closer?
I wonder what you would've done if I had put your hand on my heart tonight.....

a new year: abundance, knowledge, travels

2007-12-22T10:18:03Z

Finally, after 6 months, I feel at home here on the coast. I have friends, I know my way around, and I'm happy here. It's so beautiful. I've been taking late-night walks down by the water [I'm only ten minutes from the beach!].

I'm starting school during the second week of January. More education about photography! YAY! I'm really excited....especially since I just got a new piece for my camera that allows me to use a studio flash!

Right after school is finished in April I will be [hopefully] traveling back east to be a farming apprentice until November. I'm not quite sure where yet, but i'm trying to work on a specific farm two hours from Ottawa [closer to Guelph]. If I don't get accepted there, then i will hopefully get accepted by my second choice, which is a farm just an hour outside of Montreal!

I'm really excited because I really want to learn how to be an organic farmer AND I've been wanting to go back east for a long, long time. Most of my family lives in either Toronto or Ottawa and I miss them a lot. I hardly know them! I want to check out Montreal, too. I hear great things and I think I would love it. Who knows, I might end up staying there for a while after my apprenticeship is over....

...and, if my financial situation is favorable, NYC here I come!

sparkles

2007-12-08T10:26:32Z

I gazed up at the clear, starry night sky and sang Regina to you tonight.
Could you feel it?

Alex Grey

2007-12-04T00:40:15Z

I'm getting this big tattoo on my arm in two days.
I'm nervous and excited and anxious and excited.
It's my first real tattoo. and its big. and it's BEAUTIFUL!!!!!
It's an adaptation of this:

wish me luck, lovelies!

soulspew @ 2007-11-25T16:36:00

2007-11-26T00:55:37Z

I just got some lame news from the big city.
The house I was going to move into on the drive is no longer available!
The landlord and current tenants had a big miscommunication and now they're staying until the house gets torn down.

On the bright side, there's a two bedroom suite available two blocks away from the place I was going to move into!
How cool is that?
Rent is going to be a little more expensive and it's a lot smaller....but it's in Vancouver and I will be living with one of my best friends. AND it's on the Drive. Which is basically a necessity for me right now.
It's also more of a long-term situation, which is very appealing.

I'm pretty disappointed right now. I don't really want to pay that much for rent but, these days, rent is ridiculously expensive!
How's a person supposed to save money and better themselves when they're paying upwards of $500 a month in rent?!
Plus internet, hydro, phone, food, school, transportation, fun,etc...??!!!

Solutions:
Internet:-leach off of someone else's connection.
Phone-try and get the best deal you possibly can!
Food-I know it's kind of gross, but dumpster dive! There's one place behind a vegetarian food bank and it's pretty clean and yummy. Also, there is free dinner at a Sikh Temple in East Van Mon-Fri at 7pm, and lunch at a Hindu Temple by Main Street on Sundays at 2pm. Then, of course, there are food banks around town to get basics and non-perishables.
School- is there any way around paying for school? I guess it depends on what you're trying to learn....ie. apprenticeships, teaching yourself....
Transportation- ride a bike! You can find reasonably priced bikes in this city if you're not picky about style. Vancouver is SO bike-accessible! Plus, it's fun and gets you in shape :-).
FUN- fun is free. Most of the time. If not, volunteer for events that you want to go to. You'll meet awesome people and be a part of the love. Also, sometimes there's a deal like "Free before 10pm" or you could get on the guest list.

I need some free furniture for my new place, so if you see anything cool in a back alley somewhere, grab it! Or, tell me about it!

tomorrow, today, forever.

2007-11-13T09:45:27Z

Hannah aka HONNOH THE HOMO just surprised me at work! I just got off and was just about to enjoy myself a first sip of Irish Cream Ale aka KILKENNY and then, low and behold! Hannah comes and gives me some lovins!! :O WHUUUUT!>??? In my lil tiny town? One of my bestest bestests??? woooah. wow. and everything in between.
We played pool and sucked ass, but won. ha.

I've been listening to a lot of Incubus lately. They are just a bunch of friends that make music together and are so so good. Plus, Brandon Boyd is so beautiful. It kind of weirds me out that in every music video i've seen of theirs, he's shirtless....hmm.

I love Incubus. You should listen to them. You will like them. i promise.
I'm coming to Vancouver tomorrow. We should snuggle in your bed. I'll keep you warm.

love is...

2007-10-17T06:56:53Z

feeling completely at ease with yourself, around the other
being inspired and inspiring.
caring.
being happily sleep deprived.
wonderfully aching.
tenderness.
gentle hands and eyes.
strong arms.
being fulfilled.
laughter.
compassion.
giving.
surprises.
my cheeks hurting.
excitement.
listening.

hard to put to words...

there is no one or the other. there is only this.

2007-10-08T22:06:39Z

you make me want to throw up...
in a good way.
and I hate it.

another quote i like

2007-10-02T07:37:32Z

"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."
~Marilyn Monroe

New Realization-Sublime

2007-09-27T09:50:56Z

So, I've been listening to a lot of ska/punk/riot grrl kind of music lately and stumbled upon an awesome Sublime CD. It's called Second Hand Smoke. There's a lot of great songs on it not relating to weed at all in particular. One I really like is "New Realization". You should try and listen to it because the lyrics alone don't do it justice!

The time has come,
to reach a new realization 'tween me and you,
time to clear the rumors, sensations,
and things that just are untrue.

Well I thought I heard you behind me,
with a knife straight for my back.

It's quite clear that I'm back in the swing of living,
although I might not be on the right track.
Oh, thought I might drown but its hard to keep a good man down

Town's wheres you'll find me,
through some ill gotten' hand
Although I never listen girl, I damn well understand.
And you think, I'm so damn feeble.
I can't see through your lies, you're just a crock of shit,
with a pretty smile, and I refuse to compromise.
Oh, don't give me such a heavy, heavy, heavy load.

You may hold some vision of truth, if truth can be found in a lie.
Maybe some grain of inspiration, for a song thats deep inside.
Oh, tears running down your face, just screaming "look me in the eye!".
Well I'm looking straight at your twisted face,
and it's enough to make me cry.

Oh, passion's there for those who want to
pay the price of loving you,
in more ways than one.
Wrapped around your finger
but I think my time has come
but I never can be too sure, cuz I like to have a little fun.
Oh, what fun it would be to blow my mind and fall into the sun.

A mind is a precious thing to taste.

Maybe by Rachel Kann

2007-09-19T17:17:02Z

"...maybe if you look too long at my packaging you'll notice holes
and you can watch the atoms dance
and remember that we are all just bundles of energy
and maybe I will be alright
if i can just keep breathing.

maybe I have tried to break my own bones
just to see if i could do it.
It's hard to be human
this package is savage
and flawed
just collected wetness and hot whispers
vulnerable and easy to attack
a skin sack of slippery tubes, fluid and skeleton
and underneath - nothing.

And it makes me wanna hold everyone
and I say "i love you" a lot
but I mean it
earnestly
yearningly.
i am burning up with refracted passion.
I am ablaze with amazement.
Aching with the taking in of all these little pieces of majesty
and beauty
and frailty..."

Riot Grrl/Ska/Hardcore

2007-09-18T23:43:42Z

I want to be in a band. I want to rock out to cheesy, awesome covers and maybe original songs if we feel like it.

I want the guitar riffs and bass line to make me vibrate and jump around. I want to release tension and emotion. I want to ROCK OUT, BABY!

I have no experience and it doesn't matter. It'll be just for fun. No drama, no seriousness. Just unadulterated humor and expression, mockery even.

Fuck Yeah. Wanna play???!!!

sigh

2007-08-30T09:28:13Z

i hope the stars are kissing your cheeks tonight
cause i might be naked and lonely
shaking branches for bones
but i'm still time zones away
from who i was the day before we met
you were the first mile
where my heart broke a sweat - andrea gibson

Whistler Trip '07

2007-08-30T05:06:49Z

I waxed my legs...it was a special occasion. I kinda like it, too.

We ate delicious sandwiches...in our bikinis.

cheers to summer, bikinis and soft skin.

I did my armpits too, what can I say, I was on a roll.

Aren't we cute?

The Whistler crew ('07), minus my brother...

He's so huggable.

. . . and a little lonely, sitting on that bench all day.

There was an air vent...

this n that

2007-08-24T11:38:55Z

classy drunk dialing...it's Silvi's Birthday!

yeah, I KNOW!
WHO DID THIS? I NEED to know.
It's kind of a big deal.

remember love?

You are it.
beautiful.
unforgettable.
fiery.
inspiring.
tender.

a fire inside

2007-08-16T23:10:18Z

Lie in the comfort of sweet calamity with nothing left to lose.
Like in the darkness, I'm slowly drowned to sleep, nothing left to lose.
Three tears I've saved for you.
I'd retrace the steps that lead me here but nothing lives behind me.
So I lie in this field, bathed in the light that loves me, with nothing left to lose.
Three tears I've saved for you.
Will you be my beloved?
Will you help me to get through?
Will you be my destruction?
Will you help me to be through?
I can feel you waiting for me as the sun retreats to the hills and I, beneath the blanket of a burning sky, wrap myself within.
Embraced by dead leaves as the rain leaves trails of black down my face, I creep through the twilight to that hidden place beyond the lonely.
I'll meet you tonight in the whispers when no one's around.
Nothing can stop us now.
Tonight in the whispers where we won't be found.
I can feel you dreaming of me and the time when our steps are retraced and I creep through the twilight to that hidden place, beyond the lonely, I'll meet you.
Beneath a dream, lost in a dream, tonight.
Smile.
Along the path where the stream is talking, I breathe the mist and continue walking.
The wood; it whispers in a language of it's own.
As a sigh escapes my lips, I feel the light caress of fingertips that steal away the breath and leave me on my own, waiting by the stairs.
Waiting, I despair.
Do I hear the hollow sound, footsteps resounding on this frozen ground, or the familiar disappointment of the echoes of my own?
Somehow I ended up here in between, where there is always the comfort of knowing I'll never be seen when I fall.
I wait for just one touch and I fall.
Weightless, endless, faithless, I'll adore you.
A single touch before I fade.
Painless, let me pass through.

Charkra Two: Water

2007-08-07T20:38:14Z

"...Until, as one, you ebb and flow with the tides of the sea, pulled by the moon in its dance of dark and light. Your oceans, vast and deep, abound with life. Your passion reaches outward, spills onto the shore, and returns again within you. You drink in all the change around you, pulling its movement through you as your life ebbs and flows. In . . . and out . . . you breathe."
~Anodea Judith

bleh

2007-07-13T21:37:14Z

I'm drowning myself in others words, trying to relate and cry.
Because when i can't find my own words crying is just as therapeutic.

Someone once told me that, in life, we are either in love or broken-hearted.
I don't think that is true. I think that after a heart is mended, there is this amazing time where you are neither in love nor broken-hearted.
This is my favorite time of all.

I'm broken-hearted right now.
My natural reaction is to tell myself to snap out of it, drown my sorrows in alcohol, cigarettes and weed, casual sex and love songs written by others. Dance, A LOT.
and when I'm done self-medicating, I'll focus on my goals, bettering myself.
Then i usually fall in love.

repeat.

This time, I'm not self-medicating that way.
I'm skipping right to the goals and bettering myself.
Going to the beach, dancing, spending time with family and friends, working, making music, going to school, paying off my debts, meditating/visualization, traveling....OK, maybe a little bit of drinking.

I want to be mutually in love with a human. But, i can't be in a relationship while I'm still getting over my last one.

heartache

2007-07-12T20:37:27Z

"...i guess that this is the price that we pay for the privilege of living for even a day in a world with so many things worth believing in".

time/space

2007-07-12T10:05:09Z

I was there.
It was real.
I was that person in those pictures.
I said those things, wrote those words.
Performed those actions.
Everything led up to now.

I felt those feelings. i still do, but on a different canvas now.
i was a different person yesterday, a month ago, six months ago.
and it's hard to remember and compare.
myself now with myself then.

now.hear.this.

2007-05-13T18:20:10Z

stripes n neon.
i.pick.up.sticks.
bags upon bags of records. wires.
water.
emanate.
fresh.
standing on end.
ello ello.
new friend.
old friend.
fresh outta music school.
all original beats!!
twinkle. twinkle.
blurred vision.
first timers.
sparklies.
swirlies.
pick up lime.
can i have a star?
i like stars.
me too.